I'm still here and still alive. It's been about 6 months since my last entry and ... I thought I would be somewhere else.
Mentally I am, but physically, I'm still in my hometown, working the same job (upgraded to 5x/week instead of 2x - I do appreciate the routine). My Qube project is further along on paper than it is in it's repo. The 3-D is delayed and it takes time to see the fruit of your actions, which makes the results all that much sweeter.
I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. I've never stayed at a job this long, I will have been here a whole year come early September.
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Had to actually work, so I put my computer away and never came back to this.
Moral of the story: I thought I would be somewhere else, with different kind of experiences and money, but I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. I've learned the value of hard work and making every penny count. Coming into summer on the 20th, I'm really excited to see what this summer brings. It already feels alot different than previous summers I've had.
At Gold's Gym again, opening.
Tomorrow is my mom's birthday. What a lady and what a year it's been for her. Thank you for all that you've done, even if you'll never see this. I hope I can pay you and dad back one day for everything that y'all have done for Aaron and I. Soon.
This will probably be my last entry of 2023, so I wanted to write about something that I've been building. Well "building," but definitely been working on for a little over a year now. (I actually started putting pen to paper around the same time that I started this blog, kinda another full circle moment right now.)
It's called QUBE, an acronym that I'm stillllllllll playing around with what it stands for exactly.
The general idea is that it helps control the flow of data. Or really brings about the flow. Data, money, energy, water - they all flow. But there is no eyes in the digital world, and as far as I know, no "laws of physics" governing the way that bits of information interact with each other while they are stored. I'm not hoping to set some standard into place, but discover a standard that already exists as we just don't understand the "laws" of the digital realm yet.
And it all boils down to math.
That's still SUPER vague when it comes to the Qube and it's capabalities, but I hope to bring it to life and let it speak for itself. I know it's going to do a LOT of good for the world - it just depends on me helping it come to life.
Best of luck to myself, I hope it comes out better than expected (me to me when I inevitably come back and reread these entries later).
And to anyone who happens to stumble upon this: I hope things are going well for you too :)
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So turns out I actually wrote a blog entry this time last year. I love when that happens - I'm moving right along! I'm glad I've been listening to myself.
I never ended up coming back to the previous entry. I'm in my room now (hence, safe space) instead of Gold's Gym. My dad and I are driving up to Austin, TX in about 3 hours to retrieve something important.
Been reflecting a lot, github blog. This whole past year has been one big reflection. Coming to realizations, refining my thinking process. Really coming into my personhood, who I've been showing up as and who I want to show up as in the future. How can I reconcile any gaps within myself, between the here and now.
And it's been a very weird but revealing experience/journey so far. I'm more or less in the exact same position as I was last year -- at a minimum wage job, working on projects, looking for my next opportunity. But mentally, I'm different.
But am I really, if things in the physical haven't changed yet? That's about the only part of all this that I get hung up on. I'm thinking different, I'm looking at things differently, I'm excited about different things -- but things in the physical are still the same. I'm still at a minimum wage job, I still haven't made any "outward" progress on my open-source project, I still don't have a license or a car, etc..
I will say, I'm not as discouraged by everything that I'm looking at or experiencing as I would be last year. Last year, not seeing any outward change would have thrown me for a loop. Living in my day to day now, my only thought is "oh, it's not here yet."
Soon. Until next time blog!
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WAIT THIS BLOG IS A YEAR OLD NOW!!!
I don't have a lot of entries, but I'm proud of myself for coming back to this time and time again, just to dump. Comparing my first entry to this one, my thought process and the way I write. Just wow. Real proud of you B, I'm excited to see what's coming.
Opened Gold's Gym today at 5 AM. I really like this job. The morning crowd is so inspiring.
Currently watching Night Driving Seoul City - I'm 26yo and I'm not comfortable with the idea of driving, so watching driving POV videos helps me get used to the idea eventually. It's less scary if I've seen it before.
It's been about a month since I updated this blog, but I feel changed blog. It wasn't perfect, but I participated in the 2023 Chainlink Hackathon by submitting my b-nodes project. I submitted scrapes of what I had (as this is still a WIP) 2 minutes before the deadline closed, onlY FOR THE DEADLINE TO EXTEND BY 2 DAYS.
They extended it in the final hour because I opened up my submission about 5 hours before hand. I can't even be mad that they did that, but I'm glad that I put something out there, even if it's not my best work. "Done is better than perfect" is something I've been repeating myself for years, but I understood it today.
Hm. Lots of change has happened recently in my life, more so mental changes.
After I was let go from Meta, I realized I had been in the exact same spot before. I knew/know what to do and got myself a labour-intensive job to bring in some $$$ while allowing myself to mentally turn off while working. That clear divide to remind myself that I can do something about my situation.
I have lots of plans, hopes, and aspirations for myself. Let's do it.
Today's my dad's birthday.
I owe a lot of my mindset and work ethic to him. Love you lots pops.
One of my best friends is getting married soon. I'm learning what it means to come back to myself, which doesn't mean that I leave people behind. Cave mode vs. Stage mode.
This entry was also a test to see if the github remote repo error.
5:15 PM.
Listening to What is the AlgoExpert introduction video. It's 5:15pm, I was let go from Meta on Tuesday evening.
I'm still in shock, but it's already happened. I've been in this position before when I was let go from a real estate startup. Both were amazing opportunities and I've learned a lot since then.
So I've been here and I know what to do. And I know personally that I need to pursue things that excite me.
I'm scared but also excited to take this next step forward.
2:56 AM.
My sleep schedule has been really bad for the last few months. I don't think I've been pushing myself -- I haven't pursued things that excite (scare) me. I lay awake at night, sometimes until 4am, full of restless energy because I didn't do something I wanted to do.
And a lot of the things that I want to do really scare me, but in a good way. To be a beginner again is a great thing, everything is so fresh. But if you aren't nice to yourself in such a vulnerable state, you can stunt your own growth before you even get going.
Right now, for instance: I'm not the best at math but I find it really interesting. I hope to be able to understand and code rotational matrices and different shapes, as well as come up with shapes and transformations I haven't seen on YouTube yet.
3:11 PM. It's cold out in Austin, TX -- 30°. Listening to "Fading Away" by Elaine on Spotify.
Just cleaning up shop right now, both digitally, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spirtually. It's important to keep yourself clean and open and I believe that applies to all areas of your life. (But it's also important to live your life, not just clear it out.)
I've also realized lately that every problem in my life currently is a me vs. me thing. I find that I increasingly get in my own way or block my own progress by either not doing the one task / series of tasks that will move me along. I heard recently that doubt is the precursor to fear and I tend to doubt myself.
There used to be a time where I was fearless, not afraid to jump. My only goal for 2023 is to stretch out and take up that space again, take the leap.
8:55PM. Listening to Alef's "Sol" (I found it while scrolling my YouTube feed for a while and I needed something to latch onto while I worked.)
It's been a minute. Time moves very differently for me, so even though it feels like it's been a month or two since I wrote one of these, it's only been 10 days.
Since then, it's been more than a week since my job at H-Mart -- what an opportunity that was. Being a dishwasher taught me about automation and taking care of important tasks that will pay off later. Being prepared, going with the flow, and dealing with stress as it arises. We only lose our cool if we allow things to get to us. Amazing time, but hard work nonetheless.
I allowed myself to rest for a week, very conscious of burning out and also putting myself at financial risk. I applied to some safe jobs in the area and continued my hunt for software engineering jobs. All the while, following my interests down rabbit holes whenever I had the free time and energy. Something is coming of that, but I have yet to bring it into reality.
And while I still have the onboarding email waiting in my inbox -- it almost seems too good to be true, but I'm working on that -- I was offered a contract role as a QA Analyst for Meta! :D
Very exciting and scary things happening. Until next time!
12:19 AM. Listening to Your Higher Self.
I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally, all of it. I'm taking a chance on my myself and I'm terrified. Not because I don't have what it takes to step up to the plate, but because of what I'm walking into.
But this is a moment. One of many that is just another choice in my life, yet defines my overall character. I believe in myself.
My mind is a powerful tool. What I say I can or cannot do, determines what I accomplish. In spite of fear, I'm still here.
1:35 PM.
Listening to "when you feel like quitting but you know you must carry on and push through" playlist.
Also waiting to catch up with an old bootcamp friend, one of my favorite people. Everytime we talk, I feel a shift.
Been thinking a lot about fear, mindset, what I consume for fun, purpose, and just because. Been thinking a lot about what would I like to do for the rest of my life - not as a career but during my free time. What'll get me going and keep me from straying?
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11:40 PM now.
Figured I would update the doc since it's still the same day. I'm also finishing up the playlist I was listening to earlier.
Something did shift today. It was great talking to my buddy - he looks out for me and keeps it real. He has no doubt in what I'm capable of doing, just worried about what I'm walking into.
Me too. But I have to take a chance on myself.
Side note - I really like Github and the direction it's going in. I'm excited to see what else they come up with.
12:07 AM. Listening to MIT OpenCourseWare's Lecture 1: Algorithmic Thinking, Peak Finding video.
I'm surprised Github doesn't have a place for developers to leave their notes, either about their progress as a developer or to-do lists related to prjoects. Maybe I just haven't found it yet, but this is also nice.
I wanted to share that I'm scared to contribute to open source. (Github also scared me for the longest time, to shift through files and files of code. I was and still am scared of getting lost.)
Coding and creating digitally is really cool. I'm not the best at it, and my mistakes feel so weighted, but this is something I want to do. I just wanted to share this thought somewhere.